<div style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/DU7IR1I.png" alt="Welcome New Crew Members" style="width: 100%; max-width: 900px; height: auto;">
</div>
Aloha! Welcome and congratulations from our family at Traitor Joe's™! As our newest, and most trustworthy Crew Member, we are excited to see what you have to offer.
Please complete this onboarding form in a'' distraction free environment'', without consulting any other individuals. The time now is (current-time:), so please ensure you will have at least fifteen minutes free.
Before the onboarding process begins, please read our [[Terms of Employment.->terms]]
After you have consulted and agreed to the [[Terms of Employment->terms]], you may [[begin.->personaldetails]]
<!-- [[Joe Loves You ->JoeLovesYou1]] -->
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<!-- (live: 7s)[
(stop:)
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(align:"=><=")[
(box:"X=")[
(link: "Continue With Onboarding")[(goto: "Start")]
]
]
] -->(set: $recorded to (confirm: "Your reading time, ip address, location, camera and microphone information, blood type, mental records, and personal preferences will be recorded for training purposes during your time consulting the Terms of Employment."))
(if: $recorded is 'False')[
(go-to: "Start")
](else-if: $recorded is 'True')[
Please read the Terms of Employment in its entirety, as employment with Traitor Joe's™ renders you legally bound to all clauses listed below.
]
<span class="header">TERMS OF EMPLOYMENT</span>
- By accepting a job offer at Traitor Joe's™, you concede to work for as many hours as requested as per is legal within the bounds of [your rights as an employer.]<linkA|
(click: ?linkA)[(replace: ?linkA)[<b>your rights as an employer.</b> As of (current-date:), the maximum legal number of hours worked in one day is 18. Overtime is not accepted.]]
- Employees at all Traitor Joe's™ Friendly Neighborhood Grocery Store locations are prohibited from smoking, drinking alcohol, [wearing inappropriate clothing]<linkB|, swearing, and engaging in any romantically or sexually charged interaction with anyone but the customer. [ ]<linkC|
(click: ?linkB)[(replace: ?linkC)[
<b>Inappropriate clothing includes wearing anything but your store provided uniform. Here at Traitor Joe's™ we encourage you to express your creativity through uniformity.</b>]]
- By accepting your fate as a Crew Member at Traitor Joe's™, you willingly devote your life, on this Earth and beyond, to [Our Mighty Joe.]<linkD|
(click: ?linkD)[(replace: ?linkD)[Our Mighty Joe.] //Our Joe is an Awesome Joe. Joe loves you,// (bg:red)[despite your sin.]]
- Any breaches of company regulation are grounds for [immediate termination]<linkF| with no prior warning.
(click: ?linkF)[(replace: ?linkF)[immediate termination] //Method of crew member disposal is subject to the whim of the Head Mate or Captain//]
{- Crew Members will always be polite to customers, providing them with a [WOW! experience]<-linkG|
(click: ?linkG)[(replace: ?linkG)[<b> WOW! experience </b>] - //a WOW! experience is one that leaves the customer sweating, convulsing, moaning, or expelling fluids in an uncontrollable manner//.]}
{- Gathering in groups of more than one is strictly prohibited at Traitor Joe's™ and will result in [swift punishment]<linkE|
(click: ?linkE)[(replace: ?linkE)[<b>swift punishment </b>]//which may incude but is not limited to public shaming, blood sacrifice, and docked pay.//]}
<br>
[[Agree]]
[[Disagree]](if: $terms is 0)[
Please read the [[Terms of Employment->terms]] before proceeding. Your lack of ability to follow basic instructions has been recorded.
](else-if: $terms is 1)[
Here at Traitor Joe's™, we aim to provide the best possible customer and employee experience at all of our popular groceratoriums. Therefore it is in our best interests to know and understand our Crew Members intimately. Please [accurately]<linkA| provide your [[personal details]].
[]<linkB|
(click: ?linkA)[(replace: ?linkB)[Failure to be entirely truthful may result in legal action. Traitor Joe's retains the best lawyers that only billons in profits can buy.]]
]
We regret that you have chosen to decline employment at Traitor Joe's™. Your refusal of the Terms of Employment have automatically been added to your digital employment history, and will be visible to all future potential employers. You may reconsider the [[Terms of Employment->terms]] [at any time]<linkX|
(click: ?linkX)[(replace: ?linkX)[at any time ]Remember: Joe never forgets.](set:$terms to 1)
You may now continue to the [[onboarding process->personaldetails]]. Thank you for your cooperation.(set: $name to (prompt: "Your name:", ""))
What is your gender?
(dropdown: bind _gender, "Male", "Female")
What is your age?
(dropdown: bind _age, "<18", "18-25", "26-45", "45-55")
Do you regularly shop at Traitor Joe's™ for your grocery needs?
(cycling-link: bind $service, "Yes", "No")
Does your family have a history of heart disease?
(cycling-link: bind $disease, "Yes", "No")
Does your family have a history of mental illness?
(cycling-link: bind $illness, "Yes", "No")
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
(cycling-link: bind $crime, "Yes", "No")
After answering these questions, please proceed to the [[Personality]] application survey.
<!-- (set: $crime to "Yes") /* This is just an example. Your story will set this based on user input. */-->
<!--{
(if: $crime is "No")[
(set: $msg to "Are you sure about that, " + $name + "?")
(link: $msg)[(goto: "Doubt")]
]
(else:)[
"[[Proceed to the Personality application survey->Personality]]"
]
} -->
<!--Are you telling the truth?
(cycling-link: bind $truth, "Yes", "No")-->
<!--Are are you sure?
(cycling-link: bind $sureness, "Yes", "No")-->
Do you consider yourself an outgoing person?
[[Yes->personality2]]
[[No->personality2]]Do you like working hard?
[[Yes->personalityJoe]]
[[No->workingHard]]Do you believe that unions are good for employees?
[[Yes->Union]]
[[No->personality4]]While some employees may be enticed by unions, we at Traitor Joe's™ stress that (text-style:"fidget")[unions degrade the quality of an employee's work experience. ]
That is why at Traitor Joe's™ we work hard to make sure all our Crew Members are educated about the dangers of unions. Trusted news outlets such as Fox News and X show that unions are overall detrimental to workers and society as a whole.
[[I Understand and Agree->personality4]] Do you often complain about your workload?
[[Yes->complaint]]
[[No->endofper]]Thank you for truthfully filling out our personality survey. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to [[Contact Us.]]
Please continue to the [[second part of the application process.->second]] This part of the application concerns your work ethic and will determine whether you will be a good candidate for sustained employment at Traitor Joe's™.
<!-- (set: $crime to "Yes") /* Example of setting $crime based on a user's choice earlier in the story. */-->
(if: $crime is "Yes")[
"Please note: you previously indicated that you have been convicted of a crime. While Traitor Joe's™ welcomes all who bow to the mighty power of Joe, you have been placed on probation for the remainder of this onboarding."
]
(else-if: $crime is "No")[
"Are you sure you don't want to check your answers, $name?"
]Unfortunately, due to high amounts of stress on our systems, Traitor Joe's™ is unable to take comments via digital form. You can email us at joe@joeisdead.xyz
[[Return->endofper]]
<!-- (live: 8s)[(stop:)(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[(link: "Wait a few more seconds, and sometimes you'll find a surprise")[(goto: "Tutorial Surprise")]]] -->
Would you say that you are the best employee for this position, $name?
[[Yes->best]]
[[No->worst]]Do you mind [working long hours, $name?]<linkA|?
[[No->second2]]
[[Yes->hours]]
(click: ?linkA)[(replace: ?linkA)[<b>working long hours?</b> As of (current-date:), the maximum legal number of hours worked in one day is 18. Overtime is never accepted.]]At Traitor Joe's™ we value integrity, self reliance, capability and a willingness to try one's best. If you still believe that you are not the best candidate for this position you may return to the [[Home Screen->Start]], or you may [[Review your Answer.->second]] Do you have a mental illness, $name?
[[No->mental1]]At Traitor Joe's™ we value an employee's willingness to work hard. If you still stand by your choice you can return to the [[Home Screen->Start]] ,or you may take part in our [[experimental re-education program->educate]]
<!--or you may [[Review your Answer.->best]]-->
Are you sure, $name?
[[Yes->mental2]]
[[No->mentalEnd]]Are you currently on any form of medication, $name?
[[Yes->mentalEnd2]]
[[No->medication]]
Are you a supporter of capitalism, $name?
[[Yes->]]
[[No->medication]]
<!--(if: $noCount is not defined)[(set: $noCount to 0)]-->
(set: $noCount to $noCount + 1)
(if: $noCount > 3)[
(goto: "CapitalismPunishment")
]Thank you for filling out the second part of the onboarding survey. There is only one more section to complete, and then your application will be processed and sent to our highly intuitive employee-management AI for review.
Whether we choose to proceed or not, we are legally obligated to remind you that all information you have submitted so far will be added to your employment record, and all future employers will be able to review it.
Whenever you're ready, please continue to the [[final question.->final]]Here at Traitor Joe's™, we believe that a Crew Member is more than an individual. Our employees are united in their identity as the proud face of Traitor Joe's™.
As such, we are proud to announce our new program - Self Identification Alignment. This scientifically backed program has shown to increase productivity by 14%, and employee complaints have decreased by 22% since its implementation.
The Self Identification Alignment program will remove your previous moniker of $name and replace it with a better, more descriptive, and uniform identification number. Following your acceptance at Traitor Joe's™, you will be known as Crew Member TJ(random:1000000,9999999).
[[I Agree and Accept->namechange]]Thank you, Crew Member (bg:red)[TJ(random:1000000,9999999)]. We will be in touch within 8-12 business days to finalize your application.
(live: 3s)[Do you devote your mind, body, and soul to Joe?]
(live: 7s)[Joe (link: "is watching")[Loves You]]
(live: 10s)[Joe (link: "can hear your thoughts")[ Loves You]]
(live: 13s)[Joe (link: "is angry")[ Loves You]]
(live: 15s)[
(stop:) <!-- Stops the (live:) macro from repeating -->
<!-- Center the link above the image -->
(align:"=><=")+(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[
(link: "Welcome Home $name")[(goto: "Fin")] <!-- Your clickable text link -->
]
<!--"<br>" <!-- Adds a little space between the link and the image -->-->
<!-- Center the image -->
<img src='https://i.imgur.com/MyUdKnk.jpg' alt='Joe is Dead' style='display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 70%;'>]
{=
<!-- (text-style: "bold")[(text-style: "mark")[(text-style: "blink")[By Cassondra Cunningham.]]] -->
<br>
(live: 0s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(text-style: "bold")[(text-style: "mark")[(text-style: "blink")[
<a href="https://www.cassondracunningham.com" target="_blank" style="color: inherit; text-decoration: none;">By Cassondra Cunningham</a>
]]]]
<br>
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(text-style: "italic")[(text-style: "subscript")[(text-style: "expand")[(text-style: "buoy")[Fuck corporate greed, go join a union.]]]]
]
<!-- <br>
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(css: "font-size: 0.6em;")[(Based on Twine IF by Rain.)]] -->
<!--
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(text-style:"smear")[(live: 8s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(css: "font-size: 3em; color: white")[
(text-style:"emboss")+(text-style:"smear")[
(link-goto: "THE BOOK OF JOE", "Book of Joe Splash")
]
]
]] -->
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<!-- (live: 12s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(css: "font-size: 1em; color: yellow")[
<a href="https://www.cassondracunningham.com" target="_blank" style="color: inherit; text-decoration: none;">Want More from Cassondra Cunningham?</a>
]] -->
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
(live: 20s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(css: "font-size: 1em;")[
(text-style: "smear")[
(link-goto: "DO NOT CLICK. CONFIDENTIAL. FOR JOE'S EYES ONLY.", "FalseEnd")
]
]
]Have you ever broken the law, $name?
[[No->kill]] (text-style:"blink")[(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[(live: 9s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(link: "Continue With Onboarding")[(goto: "Start")]
]
]
]
<div style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/joelovesyou.png" alt="Joe Loves You" style="width: 100%; max-width: 600px; height: auto;">
</div>
</div>
<!-- (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[(text-rotate-x:25)+(text-rotate-y:9)[(bg:red)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[Joe Loves You]]]] -->
<div style="text-align: center; margin-top: -10px; margin-bottom: -10px;">
<!-- Your Harlowe and HTML content here -->
<!-- <div style="text-align: center; background-color: red; transform: rotateX(35deg) rotateY(9deg); width: fit-content; margin: auto;">
<p style="font-size: 70px; margin: 10px; padding: 5px; background-color: red;">He Sees You</p>
</div> -->
Do you devote your whole self to Joe?
[[Yes->personality3]]
[[No->artJoe]]Are you currently gay, $name?
[[Yes->Heygay]]
[[No->gay]]
At Traitor Joe's™ we value our Crew Member's mental health. If you still suffer from mental health issues, you may return to the [[Home Screen->Start]], or you may [[reconsider.->second2]]namechange backup
Thank you, Crew Member TJ(random:1000000,9999999). We will be in touch within 8-12 business days to finalize your application.
(text-colour:red)[(live: 5s)[Do you devote your mind, body, and soul to Joe?]
(live: 10s)[Joe (link: "is watching")[Loves You]]
(live: 14s)[Joe (link: "can hear your thoughts")[ Loves You]]
(live: 18s)[Joe (link: "is angry")[ Loves You]]]
(align:"=><=")[(live: 24s)[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/MyUdKnk.jpg" alt="Joe is Dead" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 90%;">]]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[(live: 24s)[[Welcome Home $name]]->Fin]
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(align:"=><=")[
(box:"X=")[
(link: "Welcome Home $name")[(goto: "Fin")]
]
]
]
[[The End->Fin]]
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(align:"=><=")[
(box:"X=")[
(link: "Welcome Home $name")[(goto: "Fin")]
]
]
]
(text-style:"blur")[(align:"=><=")[(live: 5s)[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/MyUdKnk.jpg" alt="Joe is Dead" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; width: 70%;">]]]
Traitor Joe's™ has a (text-style:"rumble")[zero-tolerance policy] when it comes to dissent from capitalism. We will ask you one more time: Remember, free will is a choice.
Are you a supporter of capitalism, $name?
[[Yes->support]]Would you kill for Joe, $name?
[[Yes->capitalism]] (text-style:"fade-in-out")[(text-colour:#f03e3e)[This is not a punishment.]]
Welcome to Joe's Portrait Gallery, a collection of priceless art celebrating Our Joe. Please explore the collection at your leisure.
Be sure to check out each piece before returning.
[(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(link: "You May Now Enter Joe's Gallery")[(goto: "Gallery")]
]
]
<!-- (link-goto: "You May Now Enter Joe's Gallery", "Gallery") -->
(set: $artViewed to 0)
(align:"=><=")[
(css: "font-size: 2.5em;")[
(text-style: "expand", "rumble")[
(bg: "red")[
Joe Values Hard Work
]]]]
<!--(text-style:"expand","rumble")[(bg:red)[Joe Values Hard Work]]-->
<div style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/download%20-%202024-03-14T085608.398.png
" alt="Joe Values Hard Work" style="width: 100%; max-width: 600px; height: auto;">
</div>
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(text-style:"blink")[(align:"=><==")[(link: "Continue With Onboarding")[(goto: "personalityJoe")]]]
]
<!--(text-style:"expand","rumble")[(bg:red)[Joe Values Hard Work]]-->
[(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(align:"=><=")[(text-style:"fade-in-out")[(text-style:"buoy")[(link: "Continue With Onboarding")[(goto: "endofper")]]]]
]
]
<div style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/joeshardwork-moshed-03-20-10-16-59-ezgif.com-optimize.gif" alt="Joe Values Hard Work" style="width: 100%; max-width: 600px; height: auto;">
</div>
</div>
:: He Is Beauty
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/joe_art_1.jpeg" alt="Portrait 1 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
He Is Beauty, Samuel Jenkins (2003)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
:: Joe's Uniform
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/shirt_bloody-hands_1.jpeg" alt="Portrait 2 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
Joe's Uniform, Samatha Beyers (2008)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
:: Punk Joe
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/download%20(60).jpeg" alt="Portrait 3 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
Punk Joe, Nathan Compton (1989)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
:: The Face of Suffering
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/download%20-%202024-03-13T075128.806.png" alt="Portrait 4 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
The Face of Suffering, Nancy G. Georginson (2012)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
:: Stoic Joe
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/download%20(29).jpeg" alt="Portrait 5 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
Stoic Joe, Elvira Ohmyra (2019)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
(text-style:"fade-in-out")[(text-colour:#f03e3e)[This is not a punishment.]]
You have entered the gallery.
This is a collection of Joe's favorite works, courtesy of the OhNoJoe Foundation for the Artistic Sciences. Click on the titles below to view each piece. Joe is watching.
(link-goto: "An Apple for Joe", "Portrait1")
(link-goto: "Joe's Love", "Portrait2")
(link-goto: "Punk Joe", "Portrait3")
(link-goto: "The Face of Suffering", "Portrait4")
(link-goto: "Stoic Joe", "Portrait5")
(link-goto: "The Face of Joe", "Portrait6")
(if: $artViewed >= 6)[
(link-goto: "We hope you enjoyed your visit to the gallery.
You may now return to the Onboarding", "personality3")
]
(set: $customStyle to (css: "font-size: 1em; background-color: red; color: white;"))
(align: "=><==")[
$customStyle[hey gay!]
]
(align: "=><=")[
(css: "font-size: 3em;")[
(text-style: "sway")[
(bg: "red")[
Traitor Joe's is Committed to our LGBTQ+ Crew
]
]
]
]
<!--(text-style:"expand","rumble")[(bg:red)[Joe Values Hard Work]]-->
<div style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/download%20-%202024-03-14T091823.313.png" alt="Joe Values Hard Work" style="width: 100%; max-width: 600px; height: auto;">
</div>
</div>
(set: $customStyle to (css: "font-size: .5em; background-color: red; color: white;"))
[
$customStyle[Traitor Joe's is for Traditional Values. While we legally we cannot control what you do in your spare time, we highly condemn any behaviors which violate our family values.]
]
(align: "==><==")[(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(link: "Continue With Onboarding")[(goto: "gay")]
]
]
At Traitor Joe's™ we value our Crew Member's mental health. If you still suffer from mental health issues, you may return to the [[Home Screen->Start]], or you may [[reconsider.->gay]]:: The Face of Joe
<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/download%20-%202024-03-13T081144.155.png" alt="Portrait 6 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
The Face of Joe, Thomas Cockburn (2022)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
You thought this was the end.
(live: 3s)[Joe Loves You.]
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[
(text-style: "blur")[
(link-goto: "Do you love him?", "Joe's Love")
]
]
]
(set: $love to 0)
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/disclaimer.png" alt="Next" style="width: 100%; height: auto;">
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(text-style:"blink")[(text-colour: #f03e3e)[
(css: "font-size: 3em;")[
(link: "I accept")[(goto: "False Start")]
]
]]]
(set: $terms to 0)
<div style="text-align: center; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/DU7IR1I.png" alt="Welcome New Crew Members" style="width: 100%; max-width: 900px; height: auto;">
</div>
Aloha! Welcome and congratulations from our family at Traitor Joe's™! As our newest, and most trustworthy Crew Member, we are excited to see what you have to offer.
(set: $nonClickableLinkStyle to (css: "color: blue; text-decoration: underline; cursor: default;"))
(text-style:"buoy")[(text-style:"blink")[(text-style:"shudder")[(text-style:"sway")[(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
<!-- Display your message and link after the delay -->
(box:"X=")[
(link: "Click here")[(goto: "JoeLovesYou1")]
]
]]]]]
$nonClickableLinkStyle[Please click here to begin the onboarding.]
<!--(if: $noCount is not defined)[(set: $noCount to 0)]-->
(css: "font-size: 2em;")[(text-style:"mark","blur","blink")[''This story is scary. '']]
<br>
(live: 4s)[(stop:)(css: "font-size: 2em;")[''(text-style:"blurrier")[So is real life.] '']]
<br>
<br>
<br>
(live: 10s)[(stop:)(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[(link: "Proceed with caution")[(goto: "Splash")]]]
<script>
window.setTimeout(function() {
// Replace 'http://www.example.com' with your desired URL
window.location.href = "http://www.joeisdead.xyz/home";
}, 5000); // 5000 milliseconds = 5 seconds
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(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
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(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[
(text-style: "blur")[
("Redirecting in 5 seconds...")
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<img src="https://www.joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/flashing_joe.gif" alt="Next" style="width: 100%; height: auto;">
<!--<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/danny-ziggy/joe/main/ThisIsNotACult-Flashing-1.gif" alt="Next" style="width: 100%; height: auto;">-->
<!--(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(text-colour: #f03e3e)[
(css: "font-size: 3em;")[
(link: "I accept")[(goto: "Start")]
]
]]-->
<!--
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(text-style:"blink")[(text-colour: #f03e3e)[
(css: "font-size: 3em;")[
(link: "I accept")[(goto: "False Start")]
]
]]]-->
renamemake them type something out a certain number of times (text-style:"bold","strike","blink")[Welcome to your onboarding.]
(link: "View Tutorial")[ (goto: "Tutorial Start")]
(link: "Begin Onboarding")[ (goto: "warning")]This tutorial will guide you through some of the basic mechanics of our onboarding, including how to handle timed events.
(live: 2s)[(stop:)(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[(link: "Continue")[(goto: "Tutorial Timer")]]]
Sometimes, certain decisions must be made within a specific time frame. For example, some links will only appear after a few seconds.
(set: $timer to 6)
(live: 1s)[
(set: $timer to $timer - 1)
(if: $timer is 0)[
(stop:)
(link-goto: "Click here to continue", "Tutorial End")
]
(else:)[
The link will appear in $timer seconds.
]
]
(live: 8s)[(stop:)(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[(link: "Wait a few more seconds, and sometimes you'll find a surprise")[(goto: "Tutorial Surprise")]]]
You've reached the end of the tutorial! Here's a summary of what we covered:
- Timed events and how they affect your onboarding experience.
- Importance of making timely decisions.
- You have no free will.
[[Begin Onboarding ->warning]](live: 5s)[(stop:)(css: "font-size: 1.5em;")[(link: "Joe is watching")[(goto: "Tutorial End")]]]
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/surprise_1.gif" alt="A Surprise" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
(text-style:"fade-in-out")[(text-colour:#f03e3e)[This ''is'' a punishment.]]
Welcome to Joe's ~~Reeducation Camp~~ School For Those In Need of a New Education, a place where all of your bad habits will be undone by Joe himself. Please attend each lesson with your undivided attention - you may use your company-issued pen and notepad ''for reeducation only''.
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(link: "Welcome to your first day of school")[(goto: "school")]
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(text-style:"fade-in-out")[(text-colour:#f03e3e)[This is ''not'' brainwashing.]]
Welcome class, please take your seats. Today we will be learning all about Joe.
(text-style:"blur")+(text-size:.5)[(Funding courtesy of Elon Musk and the OhNoJoe Foundation for the Artistic Sciences.)]
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/school_exterior.jpeg" alt="Lesson 1 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
Please work through the lesson below at your own pace. Once we determine your reeducation is complete, you may return to the onboarding.
(link-goto: "Start Lesson 1: The Dawn of Joe", "Lesson1")
(if: $lessonViewed >= 1)[(link-goto: "Start Lesson 2: The Joy of Surrender", "Lesson2")]
(if: $lessonViewed >= 2)[(link-goto: "Start Lesson 3: Joe's Ultimate Sacrifice", "Lesson3")]
(if: $lessonViewed >= 3)[(link-goto: "Start Lesson 4: Rotten Produce", "Lesson4")]
(if: $lessonViewed >= 4)[(link-goto: "Start Lesson 5: The Ultimate Test", "Lesson5")]
(if: $lessonViewed >= 5)[(link-goto: "Start Lesson 6: Irrevocable Allegiance", "Lesson6")]
<!--(if: $lessonViewed >= 6)[(link-goto: "We hope you enjoyed your visit to the gallery. You may now return to the Onboarding", "Onboarding")]-->
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(link-goto: "We hope you enjoyed your visit to the gallery.
You may now return to the Onboarding", "personality3")
]-->
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(if: $lessonViewed >= 6)[
(link-goto: "We hope you enjoyed your reeducation. You may now return to the Onboarding", "personality3")
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/diploma.png" alt="Your Diploma" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
]
:: Lesson 1: Beginning Our Journey to Bliss
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/classroom1.jpeg" alt="Lesson 1 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
Welcome to the threshold of a new dawn. Today, we start a sacred journey towards ultimate harmony under Joe's enlightened guidance. Here, everyone contributes joyfully to our collective paradise. This is where your true happiness begins, as you shed the chains of selfish desires and embrace our communal utopia.
(link: "Back to Class")[(set: $lessonViewed to $lessonViewed + 1)(goto: "school")]
:: Lesson 2: The Light of Conformity
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/classroom2.jpeg" alt="Lesson 2 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
Obedience is not submission; it is enlightenment. Today, you learn to see through Joe’s eyes—the beauty of a disciplined life, free from chaos and conflict. Those who peddle independence only sow discord and misery. Remember, individualism is the illusion; collective bliss is our reality.
(link: "Back to Class")[(set: $lessonViewed to $lessonViewed + 1)(goto: "school")]
:: Lesson 3: Walking with Giants
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/classroom3.jpeg" alt="Lesson 3 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
Joe is not just our leader; he is our savior. Every slander against him is crafted by those who wish to see our happiness crumble. Today, you'll understand the magnitude of Joe’s sacrifice—how he stands as a bastion against chaos. His teachings are not suggestions; they are the pillars of our survival.
(link: "Back to Class")[(set: $lessonViewed to $lessonViewed + 1)(goto: "school")]
:: Lesson 4: Unveiling Hidden Threats
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/classroom4.jpeg" alt="Lesson 4 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
Today’s lesson is crucial: identifying those who hide in the shadows, disrupting our harmony. They speak in hushed tones, spreading lies and doubt. These disruptors, these... adversaries, seek to dismantle all that we hold dear. Vigilance is your shield; loyalty to Joe, your weapon.
(link: "Back to Class")[(set: $lessonViewed to $lessonViewed + 1)(goto: "school")]
:: Lesson 5: Purging Doubt for Purity
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/classroom5.jpeg" alt="Lesson 5 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
Some amongst us still cling to harmful old ways, secretly yearning for discord. Today, you must learn that real love for our community sometimes requires tough decisions. Doubt must be purged. It is a cancer, and we are the cure. Report, confront, and if needed, expel. Harmony demands our total commitment.
(link: "Back to Class")[(set: $lessonViewed to $lessonViewed + 1)(goto: "school")]
:: Lesson 6: Sealing Fate with Joe
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/classroom6.jpeg" alt="Lesson 6 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:800px;">
You stand at the precipice of total awakening. It is time to discard your old self entirely and swear unwavering allegiance to Joe and our sacred mission. This is no mere formality but a spiritual transformation. Take this oath, and emerge reborn, cleansed of doubt, forever one of us.
(link: "Back to Class")[(set: $lessonViewed to $lessonViewed + 1)(goto: "school")]
:: Joe's Juice
<img src="https://joeisdead.xyz/onboarding/images/juice_1.jpeg" alt="Portrait 7 Description" style="width:100%;max-width:600px;">
Joe's Juice, Crystal Cunningham (2023)
(link: "Back to Gallery")[(set: $artViewed to $artViewed + 1)(goto: "Gallery")]
↶↷Welcome to your onboarding.
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